My thoughts exactly, Romney v. Cher.

So here’s my low down so far.

Now that I’ve given back her things/got mine back, I can start the healing process. Even emailing back and forth gave me heart attacks, and they just reeked of resentment and anger. I know she’s campable of being harsh and spiteful sometimes, but I barely recognized this person. It’s hard to think that I bring that out of her now. I practically made myself sick getting her things together. But the meeting with Jen went great, catching up on her relationship woes and talking about her work.

I hate the fact that I hang on her every word. I’m arguing with myself to take her off of Twitter because some of the shit she says, talking about getting ready for the ladies, and sex shit just fucks with my head. I’m driving myself crazy. I want her to do whatever makes her happy, and if I still care about her and what’s going on in her life, and these feelings just don’t stop overnight. FUCK! 

I constantly feel like something is missing. I wonder what she’s doing and if she’s happy. I hope she is. I think of all the things I want to do for her, and experience with her. I go back and forth on this and how I won’t get to do any of it. God, I love how I have my own mind torture chamber. I feel like half of me is missing and my whole center is completely off.

I want to know her remedy to just forgetting me and our relationship. I want to know how she did it. I’m so angry at her for just giving up and not fighting with me. I’m worth the time to work through our problems and issues. How one mistake can erase so much love and compassion for each other and suddenly be replaced with her hatred and anger. She ripped herself away and I’m caught in this spell of sadness and longing.

Luckily I have Dan, my amazing heterosexual roommate who together, we raise our beard son Biggie. He reminds me constantly that I need to unfollow her and that I’m making things worse for myself, and that if I try to do half the things I keep thinking to do, I’m going to feel like a clown and regret those mistakes. Thanks Dan, that makes me feel so much better. Asshole.

Now that school is starting I can focus on staying busy and having something to take my mind off things. I really have to focus this semester, and ball rolling now that I’m a junior. I’ve been bouncing around some new creative ideas for some artwork I’d like to do and thinking about what I want to do. Now that I deactivted Facebook, I have more time for writing. I’m hoping to reconnect with friends and focus on myself right now.

I’m sick of people telling me how grieve on this. Are you fucking kidding me, bitch? Don’t tell me not to mope around the apartment. You sure as hell don’t look like my mother.